Since we were kids, we have been told how to handle personal criticism.
Countless articles talk about how to deal with feedback.
We learn how to be mature about it. Grow a pair, face it.
Society has focused a lot on this.
The result? We are actually getting quite good at it.
But I see a problem arising: In a world where people can publicly state their opinion on just about anything, we are constantly being criticized. And the worst thing is that you can’t even it take it personal.
With so many “experts” and “mavens” telling us what’s right and wrong, it’s impossible not to be overwhelmed.
Society wasn’t ready for this.
So, how do you handle indirect criticism?
If you’re like me and most people I see, you probably suck at it (it’s ok, we’re still new at it).
But we need to improve the way we react towards feedback out in the open.
Feedback is an opinion. Sometimes it’s focused on us, sometimes it’s not.
But it’s feedback nonetheless, it’s something we can improve, according to the person giving that opinion.
This doesn’t mean doing what everyone tells you. It means knowing why you disagree in the first place, because rationalizing is easy.
Do you disagree because you honestly think differently, or because if they are right you’re screwed? Subtle difference.
Bottom Lines:
1- We tend to look for what we already like. The amount of information available plus excellent searching methods, is spoiling us. We are learning how to skip all those things that we don’t want to hear, but should.
2- Most disagreements I stumble upon, are based on desires instead of facts. We are all dreamers. But life is not what we want it to be. Life is what it is. It has many flaws, and they won’t go away just because you don’t want them to be there. Accepting reality is the first step towards changing it.
{ 4 comments… read them below or add one }
Carlos, couldn’t agree more about the difficulties people have in getting helpful and accurate feedback. I’m convinced most people don’t actually want it. For those that do, they have to go very far out of their way to get it.
Stephen, very nice to see your around here. Your post actually made me think about this as well, and I agree. People just don’t want to hear it. It’s much easier to keep reading and connecting with those that think like you.
Two thoughts:
-Maybe receiving criticism from someone who’s pissed off at you is the best way to get quick honest feedback. No manners, just harsh, heart-breaking truth.
-We can’t get honest feedback, but how good are we at giving it? I know I’m not good at all, even though it’s something I’m trying to improve. What do you think of that about you and society?
There are two separate goals here: One is how to get good feedback, and the other is how to give good feedback.
For receiving good feedback, the most important part is actually wanting it. Like we both wrote about, most people really don’t want to know. Some public speakers don’t like watching their own tapes. Once the desire is there, it’s a matter of cultivating the right attitude and right relationships to allow frank conversations. But I think that getting it from someone who’s pissed at you is going to be both distorted and hurtful.
For giving good feedback, it’s a precarious balancing act. The person receiving it really has to want it, and even then, you’ve got to be thoughtful in how phrase things, taking into account how sensitive your listener is. Here’s a fun article on when feedback is a little too frank: http://www.esquire.com/features/honesty0707.
Ouch! You do tell it like it is
My fav observation here is: Accepting reality is the first step towards changing it.
Carlos, my observation is the best feedback/ truth comes from two extremes:
Those who care about you enough to tell you the truth i.e. ‘tough love’;
Those who don’t care/ dislike/ are angry enough – to confront you with their version of the truth
I also think truth is subjective
but thats another story.
Cheers,
Anita Lobo