To end the year, my very good friend Colin Wright (who writes at Exile Lifestyle) and I are doing some cross-posting about bonding and magnetism. After you read his post, you can go to his blog and check out my post “My Magnetic Bromance,” where I explain why magnetism is the new thing, and you can also see a picture of me in my underwear.
Enjoy!
Bonding by Being Tied
The Story
I’m not going to name names, but there is a woman in Buenos Aires on a certain social network that is famous for trying to get all foreign visitors to go out to dinner with her.
This in itself is not a gripping story.
There’s no violence or sex.
There is, however, the potential for a very potent shared experience, something that is incredibly important if you want to be a skilled networker. A common story, a jumping off point in a new relationship; this is vital if you want to skip a few miles on the path to friendship.
This woman who I’m not naming has been the common thread in stories woven by a full dozen people that I’ve met since moving to Argentina, each with their own twist to add to the story.
The Telling
For my part, I knew that she emailed me 6 times, each message bearing some variation of “We go out for dinner and dancing on Friday. 10pm. Call me for details.”
Someone I had just met jumped into the conversation with her tidbit: “Oh my god, she did the same with me, and responded to any email back with the same message, but all in caps!”
Another girl, at a breakfast meeting the next morning, shared her experience. “I ended up going out and she and her friend barely spoke the entire meal. They just sat there and kind of looked depressed.”
A guy I met up with later in the day rounded out the picture: “It was really weird…like they were just scoping me and my buddy out to see if we were marriage potentials. The main chick was on a serious quest. When she apparently decided we weren’t the right fit, she started asking if we knew anyone who was the type of person she was looking for.”
“Oh I know,” said a girl I had just met at a coffeeshop who knew a friend of a friend. “She was hitting on my boyfriend until she realized we were together, and then immediately started quizzing us both, for names of potential husbands and their income levels. It was really flagrant.”
“But then we figured out her real purpose,” said a guy I’d spoken with a few times but was only meeting in person for the first time. “The restaurant she takes you to, and the dance club you go to afterward, both overcharge you to an insane degree. They take ‘gringo pricing’ to a new level. I’m sure she’s getting a kickback.”
And there it was. The full story was told, each puzzle piece falling into place from a different person’s individual experience.
The Lesson
The important thing to note here is not the social detective work, figuring out the restaurant woman’s intentions and methods for extracting money and potential mates from wealthy visitors to Buenos Aires.
What really matters is that a bond was formed with each and every person I spoke to about the topic. We had a shared experience, and though it wasn’t a war or being stuck in an elevator or anything intense like that, we still had a foundation pre-poured and ready for walking.
That step, which can be the most difficult to take, had been taken for us and was rock solid. This was another person who spoke to so-and-so and was also confused by the dinner/marriage lady! We’re basically family! Have a drink on me!
Now think about how this method can be easily applied to people outside of your geographic circle.
I’ve found, for example, that a shared experience online can be just as impactful as a real-world one.
The first time I met up with Carlos we already had so much in common I felt like we had been friends for a long time. We knew the same people, had similar reading lists, had similar ambitions and heroes; there wasn’t really a ‘getting to know you’ process – we already knew each other, we just hadn’t met yet.
The International Embrace
Embrace shared experiences where you can, and make use of the different avenues of communication that are available.
We live in an amazing period of time where it’s possible to hang out with the same clique, follow similar trends and be a part of the same storyline as people from the other side of the globe.
The people who helped me flesh out the story above were all from different countries, each tied together by the very fine thread of a social network, each willing to follow that thread to one another.
Make a personal resolution to follow more threads.
The more shared experiences we have and bonds we create, the more empathy we’ll have for our brothers and sisters everywhere. Find the right story and it becomes clear that we are ALL tied together and the artificial boundaries we throw up are just illusions.
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Since I commented at Carlos’s post @ ExileLifestyle, I figured I’d comment on Colin’s over here.
I’ve always thought that storytelling is the key to creating good connections. Stories, whether fictional or real, are ways to universally bond through emotional connection to the characters or each other. Sharing stories also creates a shared experience – which then fosters a connection between storyteller and listener. In our age, with such ease of communication, it’s become incredibly easy to share our stories and create shared experiences.
The question is: whose story am I going to hear first?
I really like the idea in both of these posts. It is so true.
In the past few months, even just the past few weeks, I have found several “kindred spirits” (as Anne of Green Gables would say) that have similar interests and goals as I have. This has given me new friends that I have never met, yet feel close to because we are all in this together: sharing our life stories and helping each other have better lives and appreciate all that we have been given! Thanks for this guys!
This is one reason I love the internet – meeting and building relationships with people who I otherwise would never had met. I think it’s wonderful that we can have so much in common with various people from all over the globe. And to find a very special friend as you have it that much sweeter.
That last paragraph was truly very powerful, and had me wanting to run out into the street, take a hold of any & every stranger’s hand, and form an unusually large circle down by the ocean to sing kumbaya as we sway to the breeze and have an out-of-body experience together. (Which is saying a lot, considering my religious beliefs…or lack there of.)
Artificial boundaries is a perfect way to encapsulate the shitty phenomena that occurs, otherwise known as racism and its cousin bigotry. I’ve always found that to be quite ironic, especially within the context of the U.S. and in line with historical events such as the civil war, considering the first modern day humans are traced back to Africa, at approximately 200,000 years ago.
Ugh, people piss me off.
Great post. That’s what I love about travel; not discovering the differences between humanity, but discovering the similarities.
really interesting story about the marriage lady!
and that’s the way i think of friends these days; in the 21st century. I don’t distinguish between “online” and “real life” friends because with some of the people I talk to, the bond is strong enough that I can say we’re already friends, we just haven’t met yet.
Also, I find it interesting.. The ways in which we connect. It’s kind of an interesting sociological experiment, but from my experience coming from a small town, if I see someone I went to HS with in my town setting, we don’t acknowledge eachother. Yet, If I see the same person in a bigger city outside of our “hometown” we will say hi. It’s like we ‘know’ eachother in the context of a bigger place; of not knowing anyone, but we don’t know eachother in our home turf, where we feel most comfortable. Not sure how this relates exactly, but made me think of it.
@Brett: Very good question, and one that I think speaks volumes for the value of personal branding and marketing yourself and your ideas!
@Shawna: Exactly. We’re all in this together (that’s the Humanist in me speaking right now) and the more close allies you can find, the stronger you’ll be able to fight for causes, get things done, and really just have a good time.
@Heather: The world is getting flatter and flatter, and to me that seems like the perfect opportunity to make very close friends all over the world. So far this has allowed me to expand my horizons much further than they would have otherwise been, and honestly, you can never have too many good friends. Such a valuable resource…all those idiots are out there chasing oil, when really they should be forming bromances!
@Ash: Haha, I’m glad that one atheist can inspire religious feelings in another atheist
It really is all about what we have in common, not what’s different. If we can look at the former first, it makes the latter much more charming than strange.
@floreta: You bring up a really good point – when put in a larger context, people are likely to clutch even the smallest connection they have with someone else and use it as the basis for something larger. I know many people who have had passing acquaintances who became best friends when they met up while going to school overseas or meeting up randomly in another country. ANYTHING can become the basis of a good friend and help you embrace the little differences rather than using them as an excuse not to get to know someone, it’s just a matter of being willing to look at those little things first rather than acting like they aren’t enough reason to form stronger bonds.
I didn’t know about the restaurant part of the story…though I do know the lady…and since I also got an invite, do I get to be part of the club?