Meaningful Success
by Carlos Miceli on August 6, 2009
in Advice, Balance, Decisions, Dreams, Future, Hard Work, Success, care, goals, life, world
This has been going on for too long.
You are not your job.
Your personal success is not your professional success.
Your life does not spin around your work.
The reason this is so important to understand (and accept) is because today’s ambitions and dreams could lead to the most disappointed and heartbroken generation ever.
Alain De Botton says: “Let’s not give up on our ideas of success, but let’s make sure they are our own.”
Work hard for your goals, sure. But realize that your life needs passion in many areas.
That balance thing is no bullshit.
Personal beats professional every time.
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I’m reading a book right now that is all about realizing you have an essential self and a social self. Your essential self is you at your core, without expectations from society, your parents, etc. Your social self is the part of you that has learned to do what pleases others. I wonder sometimes if what we’re talking about is confused by people thinking that they are “choosing” their work goals, but really their happiness stems from the pleasure they get from other people’s acknowledgement of their success. Hence all the blog posts about how much I love my job, work is my passion, etc. in order to secure that acknowledgement.
Or not. I could be looking for something that isn’t there.
I love Alain de Botton.
Interesting Holly, what book is that?
I think you’re right. Of course I’d never generalize, but I do think you’re on to something.
One thing I’ve been thinking a lot about lately, is how much better we are when we are alone. society’s pressures can be too big a burden for many people…
I discovered Alain after his TED talk, and I was sold. Just bought a book of his.
Thanks Holly, you always bring great insights.
I don’t find myself trying to please others with my goals. It’s actually the opposite for me – most people think I’ve been too risky with my career.
That said, I do have a workaholic mentality at this point in my life – only because I know I want kids 2 years from now, and I want to be able to devote all my time to them and not have to worry so much about money.
Right now, professional beats personal for me – because I can see the next 5 years of my future very clearly. This is probably not true for most twentysomethings, as they don’t have a house or a spouse. But for people who know exactly what they want and how to get it, I see nothing wrong with sacrificing personal for professional for a short time. Even if I died tomorrow, I wouldn’t regret the work I’ve been doing.
I think you are a very enthusiastic person, with clear goals, and the potential to make them true. But the thing that interests me most about your comment, is how you relate pleasing others, with pleasing people you know. I think societies’ pressures go far beyond what our relatives and friends expect from us.
But as long as you don’t regret it Monica, you’re on the right track. A life with no regrets is all that matters.
I don’t get the distinction between pleasing others I know vs. pleasing society. What do you mean? (And I’m not sure I made the distinction in my comment either.)
I understood that by referring to people criticizing how risky you are, you were talking about people you knew.
The difference to me is that even if we do what we want without caring what our relatives say, we are often still pursuing this idea of success that’s imposed by society. your family does not expect you to be a CEO maybe, it’s not their what they want you to achieve specifically. But society does put those goals in our minds. Your family just wants you to be ok, to be safe, while society wants you to thrive at its accepted goals.
I still don’t see the distinction. As bloggers, we live our lives so publicly that the line between people who know us personally vs. people who don’t (aka society) is blurred. I don’t focus on what society wants – which, honestly, is to have a less risky career still. In my eyes. I don’t see a difference between what my family wants and the ideas that society has for me. In fact, my family wants certain things for me *because* of the ideas society has planted into *their* minds.
Which is interesting, because it seems like society has planted the backlash on professional success into so many peoples’ minds lately.
I have to agree with the gist of what Jamie said. Some people are happy and fulfilled by work. I used to think of myself as a workaholic. Mostly because I didn’t enjoy my work all that much. Now I don’t think of myself that way, but everyone tells me I am. To me, I’m just living my life, which happens to be focused around work because I enjoy what I’m doing. That doesn’t mean I don’t make time for friends or family still. It means that I find my career rewarding, and I’m having fun pursuing the opportunities I’m getting.
I think for some people, their work *is* personal success, because they are personally invested in what they are doing.
I love this post, Carlos – thank you. I am guilty of often having to remind myself that I am not my job. It is easy for me to get lost in that notion because I spend so much time and energy at work – often in a rewarding way. I run into trouble when I realize I’ve neglected other areas of my life or “essential self” (Holly if you are reading “Finding your north star” by Martha Beck I just finished and loved it!!).
Thanks for the great reminder, and HUGE congrats on your Top 10 GenY blogs debut!!!
Thank you my dear friend, your support is meaningful indeed.
But how could you be wrong with your decision if it’s rewarding? I don’t think we can have it all. If you’re happy with what yoyu’re doing, why change?
Are you saying that people who TRULY love their job (no, not those folks working in cubes telling bosses in their reviews and friends over pints that “they REALLY do love their work) are chasing the wrong dreams?
I’m thinking performers, athletes, etc. Those things that to the rest of us were hobbies we dreamed of as kids but a choice few actually had the talent/drive/perseverance to get there.
Oh Elisa, you laways trying to pick a fight
No, that’s now what I’m saying at all. It’s ok to chase your dreams, and I’m no one to tell you which dreams are right and wrong. But make sure they are yours. And don’t neglect other aspects of your life.
Have you ever heard of Gabriel Batistuta? He’s the best soccer forward of Argentina’s history. He was amazing. The best I’ve seen after Maradona. And he didn’t like playing soccer. It was just his job (his own words). Maybe that’s a dream for some people, but no for him.
He achieved society’s dreams.
I will totally concede to that point…your success can never be based on anyone else’s dreams. Sure you might be Batistuta (yes, he IS an amazing and naturally gifted athlete!) but if your heart is not really in it you might as well be clocking in to a cubicled 9-5 job.
I’ve just noticed a lot of umbrella-ish statements and comments saying “Your personal success is not your professional success.” The thing is for some people that professional success might be their way of chasing their dreams. Hopefully, in fact, it is. Unfortunately, for most of us, it isn’t…we are chasing everyone else’s.
Well, we are standing on the shoulders of giants, sort of speak. It’s ok to want to do waht someone else did. But only if it’s what you want as well. That’s what’s we’re lacking, personal desire for our so called dreams.
I meant to say I’m not always trying to pick a fight either…moreso engage deeper discussion.
Love it. Your job is not your life and this whole notion of building a personal brand really gets to me as well. There’s nothing personal about it. Really it seems like an attempt to crack it professionally masked by a friendly avatar and lots of virtual hugs and handshakes.
Ihighly recommend reading “Ignore Everybody” by @gapingvoid if you haven’t already. It really shed some light on being creative and being successful while still remaining true to yourself. But it takes it a step further by showing that to be successful you can’t always be completely genuine. Everyone sells out, and that’s ok too.
Will look into that book, thanks for the recommendation Rikin!
First, congrats on making the top 10!
Great post! It’s always a struggle on knowing how much is “too much.” Struggling to find the “balance” is definitely a key, and I would agree that our generation is extremely motivated. The question remains, how much is “too much”? When does working like crazy become working too much? When is the stopping point? I’ve seen several highly successful professionals really lose it “all” at home due to their never ending drive to maintain their business success. It’s truly unfortunate and sometimes I wonder if it can be avoided. Are certain people programmed with this killer instinct that makes their work switch constantly stay in the on position? Interesting concepts…
Congrats again!
Thanks for your words Ben, it’s great to have you here. I really like the idea of people being constantly “ON” when it comes to work. I’ll think about that.
Carlos — I want to echo the congratulations on your place on Ryan’s top 10 list, very well-deserved
This is a great post, and the topic is one that really gets me going. I love how you title this post “meaningful success” because I think that is a huge difference, in the long run. What gets me is that so many people, especially in their twenties, feel compelled to have all these accomplishments under their belt by the time their 30 because they want to be seen as successful. But what is success? Isn’t it all relative? Doesn’t success to one person mean something different to another because of experiences, because of passions, because of personal dreams and goals?
If you’re working hard for something because you want to be seen as successful, isn’t that superficial? Or are you working hard for something because it’s a dream, a passion, something you would spend a lifetime trying to achieve because it’s that important to you?
I don’t know. There’s so much talk about success lately, I have to wonder what it really means anymore.
Great post, Carlos. Thanks for getting me thinking. Again.
Are people working because they want to be successful (whatever that means) or because they want to be seen successful? Interesting… I’ll think about this too!
Thanks for your kind words Susan!
I will be the first to say I love my job. However, when I leave in the evening or take a vacation or have my weekend, I really love to explore my other passions.
My success really lies in the friends I have made, the explorations I am part of, the connections I make and the community I build online … and also my blog. But each of those pieces are so important. On a Saturday, out enjoying brunch with friends we don’t even talk about work. Because it is not my life. Sometimes people understand what I do, but we don’t go beyond that. They know me because of my laugh, or the way I help other people and to me, that is true success…
I love your humanity Grace. This comment was sweet. I’m with you 100%.
Carlos, I love this post. I think it echoes a lot of the thoughts that have been going through my head lately about real success. “Your life needs passion in many areas,” is something that I think we all forget from time to time when focusing on performing well professionally.
Grace, I love that you feel that the most important way that you measure your success is through your group of friends. I have a large group of friends who have always been there to help me through the hard times in life. These are friends who I am always more than willing to help out, whether it is to help them move or when they just need someone to listen.
Oh, now I’m just getting sick of hearing THIS argument.
Gah, how is personal success and professional success different? They are either one in the same or so closely connected you can’t really see the difference. Many people gain their confidence by achieving professional success, such as graduating from college, snagging a great job, starting their own company, getting a promotion, etc. The same confidence that will be shared and utilized across the landscape of their personal goals and success. These two interact; they do not exist as separate entities.
Plus, how is personal success something WE construct without the help of society’s influence, yet our professional goals are somehow not our own? There are just as many people socialized to believe certain personal successes are fantastic, but really, they are living somebody else’s dream. Ever heard of marriage? That’s the epitome of socialized personal success.
I have to graciously disagree with this blog post and suggest you rethink this, as I think it’s more disappointing and misery-inducing to disassociate your personal success from your professional. The two are dependent on each other and to ignore that is short-sighted.
Did you watch the TED talk from Alain De Botton? I really think he can explain this a lot better than I can.
Two thoughts though:
1) Maybe this post wasn’t directed to you. Maybe your situation is different from many people, that happen to agree. Me for example, had to “accept this idea of success that you mention (promotions, graduations, etc) and lately I find myself disagreeing. That’s not success to me. Maybe, just maybe, there are other people feeling this too.
2) I never said that people’s goals couldn’t be their own. Maybe yours are. Mines weren’t.
Okay, personal success is not professional success, agreed. Being a great mother doesn’t mean you are a great entrepreneur. That is true, no disagreements here.
The only problem is that personal success doesn’t pay the bills, so I believe that indeed, ‘life spins around work.” I am sure that many of us wish we had 4 hour workweeks, but the fact is that almost all of us have to put a lot more energy into earning a living. After sleep, work is the single activity that takes the most of our time.
And if you believe the statistics, the third most time consuming activity is watching television. Americans watch an average of 26 hours of television a week. Talk of personal passion and living goals are a little meaningless in the aggregate when most of the population is lying on the sofa for most of their free time.
Not to dig up an old post, but just came across the following passage on Andy Drish’s blog and it seemed perfect for this conversation:
The Master of Living
The master in the art of living
draws no sharp distinction between
his labor and his leisure,
his mind and his body,
his work and his play,
his education and his recreation.
He hardly knows which.
He simply pursues his vision of excellence
through whatever he is doing
and leaves others to determine
whether his is working or playing.
To himself, he is always doing both.
-James A. Michener