Let’s skip all the positive things about social media that have been mentioned countless times, and criticize it for a change:
Social media is a prison.
It’s unnatural, we are not supposed to like everyone.
But we are trying.
The more you get involved in things like Twitter or Facebook, the more people you connect with, the more polite you have to be. Now, politeness is reaching a ridiculous level, where everything is awesome and everyone is cool.
You can’t tell someone you don’t like them or what they do.
One of the reasons for this, is the word “Friend.” Are we really buying that? Are we really considering everyone as a friend?
The problem with being “friends” with everyone you connect with, is that it makes you a prisoner. Everyone knows that “breaking up” with a real friend in real life, is not easy. Not impossible, but definitely not easy. Usually it happens over time.
But social media friends are not real friends. People shouldn’t feel obliged to keep that act going. People shouldn’t even give explanations. It shouldn’t be that hard.
I blame all those Personal Branding blogs.
Because of them, we are afraid.
Afraid of being honest and direct. Afraid of being human.
God forbid if we say or do something someone doesn’t like and then we are ridiculed by millions.
God forbid if we actually embrace conflict, one of the most natural aspects of man.
God forbid if we actually show ourselves how we really are.
We are lying to ourselves.
We are pretending to care more about the social part than the business/networking part.
Losing readership, customers, followers is not a social fear. It’s a fear of interests, of politics.
True relationships are not about politics.
Social media is all about politics.
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Standing ovation.
If you’ve ever read my blog, you’ll know I’m a fan of being brutally honest and telling it like it is. So it’s only natural that I love this post and couldn’t agree more! Everyone needs to stop the ass kissing and start being real.
I do have some real-life friends in the social media/personal branding field, but I’m even sick of seeing them handing out the equivalent of a virtual chocolate chip cookie to everyone they see who makes a nice poopie. You know what the biggest problem is with people in social media/personal branding? There’s no sincerity. Because there’s no way in hell you absolutely LOVE every person you come across and think they are brilliant! We all know there are times when you disagree with them, but lack the balls to say so for fear of hurting your “brand.”
I think being fake hurts a “brand” more than being real. Although everyone loves being complimented, insincere compliments can be seen a mile away! Sincerity and integrity go hand-in-hand. And I don’t see how anyone in social media/personal branding could go very far without them.
We will see the winners and losers ten years from now. I wonder how far will sincere people get, compared to fake ones. For now, we can all keep lying to ourselves.
You’re 100% correct. While I think it’s human nature not to be completely honest with people (when it’s negative), social media takes it to a new level. Why? Because those relationships aren’t REAL. There’s no ‘face’ time, so it’s easy to be passive and sit on the sidelines. I personally have no issue getting rid of toxic people in my life, whether it’s in person or digital.
How do you deal with people asking you why you deleted the from your life? I’m intrigued.
I agree with most of your points. Not sure about the reasoning.
“We are pretending to care more about the social part than the business/networking part.”
I think this trend is largely due to the business/networking part. In the social media for business space, everyone is a potential lead, connection to add to your network, or even client. There is no 100% social interactions in this space. Business always plays a role in our interactions.
I’m not saying this is a viable excuse for the “back patting” syndrome, but it is certainly a leading cause.
So while connections on the social web are much more plentiful, they must still be compared to interactions within a workplace, or networking event…because that’s what it is. It’s an ongoing networking event. When you’re trying to meet new people and make connections, being critical can be tough…
@DavidSpinks
I agree David, 100%. All I’m saying is, let’s stop the hypocrisy. Lying to ourselves never leads to anything good.
I agree, but also wonder if part of this problem is a paradigm shift happening in society as a whole.
You mention the personal branding blogs, and one has to wonder why they have become so popular. I believe part of the appeal lies in the fact that more and more people are attaching their name and identity to their business/start-up/”brand.” Before when you were an ass, you were just some dude or chick who was an ass on an ICQ forum (does anyone even use ICQ anymore?!) Now when you are an ass it is affecting not only you, but your livelihood and immediate future opportunities.
Also included is the fact that communication is SO much more than words. There’s body language, intonation, etc that help to define true meaning and intention. You can write something very truthful that comes off sounding like you are the meanest person ever, but if you said the same thing it could be encouraging in a “tough lovey” sort of way. People are WAY too sensitive.
You know me Carlos, I’ll never be afraid to call you on yourself.
Personal Branding blogs became popular because of the novelty of the concept, and because of what you’re saying. I agree with you on that.
I’m not sure I get what’s your point regarding communication. I’m just saying that regardless of this happening online or offline, we should cut the crap and be honest about what we’re doing. Otherwise, it really does feel like prison. And I know I’m not alone in this.
No, I agree in frank and truthful discussion. Otherwise you are constantly forcing yourself to “be” one way around certain people that isn’t the real you. However I think that people fear these frank and truthful discussions because writing out stuff online doesn’t always portray the actual message you are trying to get across. There is far too much room for miscommunication and the wrong interpretation. Then you have to go and explain, then they have to answer, then you have to discuss again, then then then.
It’s just easier to be nice than have to constantly be explaining yourself.
Ugh, this is something that I agree with, but that’s also been bugging me lately… You’re right, and that’s the sad part. If we all just smile and nod, then what are we changing? We are just letting problems exist. I’ll write about this at some point.
There is a bit of a social disconnect with social media, and it certainly does create an environment where criticism and dissent isn’t as encouraged as it should be. On the other hand, the same could be said of real life…people don’t speak up because they are afraid of offending someone, blah blah blah. I think everyone does it, the Internet just allows us to type it out and leave it on other people’s blogs.
So in effort to break the mold: you suck and I hate you.
Whew. It WAS difficult. And actually you’re awesome, so you’ll have to write something bad so I can really mean it sometime, deal?
Ha! You suck too my friend, I’m glad we are on the same page there.
The thing is that we don’t pretend to like everyone in real life, we don’t get to have coffee and celebrate everything everyone does. We choose, we filter. This is getting harder to do online once you “connected.”
I’ll try to suck more, promised.
Carlos, I really like this post.
I once criticized this guy online on my blog post and got hammered for it. I kept the post up for about a week until the guy called me and apologized for what he did.
I think at times I want to call out people for their “shit” online. I don’t most of the time because it’s rude and I don’t want to be inconsiderate.
What would happen if we all spoke our minds freely online? I wonder how many of us would still be “friends”?
You should start the trend Carlos. Call someone out and see what happens.
Thanks for sparking a post bro. I will reply to this later this week.
I’ve never agreed with you more than at this moment, Carlos (and I agree with you daily, so I suppose this statement means nothing now…).
People are so afraid of having an opinion, of being “wrong”, of being looked at weirdly, of being the only one on the left side of the room when EVERYBODY else is on the right side.
They’re afraid of growing some and saying “Wait! I DISAGREE!”. I’ve always been one to call people out. I don’t understand the “politeness” in that sense. If somebody is selling bullshit or whatever, call’em out.
I’m all for making the world a better place, opening my mind to new ideas from others, and expanding my horizons through new connections. But patting everybody I meet on the back because they’re my “friend” and I interact with them online?
Feck that.
(shout out to all the fellow Almost Famous fans!)
Thanks for the support TIm. I think that you’re right, and I want to take it even further than just disagreeing. I want to ignore.
I don’t want to just tell you that I don’t agree with what you’re doing.
I want to leave you. That’s the part which should be easier.
Carlos,
Bravo!
Social media has become a repeat/ retweet, dolled-up circus!
Bloggers are mortally afraid of disagreeing – note, not agreeing isn’t a license to be rude.
At the same time, being nice all the time & liking everyone is fakery of the highest order!
Ofcourse the so-called gurus of social media encourage this to0, creating a giant echo chamber for brainfarts [involuntary emissions of ignorance & dubious content, defined by @comicproject] that leads nowhere! The politics analogy works well – when you’re playing numbers, you’re playing to the LCD of the gallery!
I think its quite ok to disagree with a viewpoint, and not engage with people who we don’t like or those who behave strangely!
We have that choice. The real question is, do we have the courage to make that choice?
Cheers
Anita
Like I told Tim above, this is not just about disagreeing, this is about disconnecting. We need to feel fine about telling someone that we no longer care.
Maybe I am lacking courage, maybe we all are. I think someone will have to make that step eventually. Thanks Anita.
I agree with Elisa that being “honest” online can come off as negative or unfriendly and it’s easier to avoid that perception when you have inflection and body language for additional cues.
For me the most frustrating part of “I love EVERYONE!” is that it makes it hard to find great posts/information. There have been one too many times I’ve been tricked by the “Interesting new take on [fill in the blank topic] by the world’s most innovative new voice [fill in the blank blogger]” only to find it’s another post suggesting you comment on blogs to get traffic.
Ugh.
M. Scott Peck writes about the different stages of community and the first one (or one of the 1st ones) is Psuedo-community. This is when everyone loves each other. Like at the beginning of a road trip and everyone thinks it’s going to be GREAT spending 8 hours in a vehicle together, and by the end everyone wonders how they made it out without murdering someone? Yeah, I think that’s where a lot of the gen-y social media crowd is right now, thinking that this road trip is going to be awesome. And in a little bit we’ll move into chaos which is what we’re all kind of waiting on and wondering, “Who’s going to go crazy and call out the fakes first?” After that is when you find out if a community survives or not.
Love the post and glad someone finally talked about it.
Regarding your second paragraph about everyone loving everything, I already have a post brewing, will let you know when it’s up. Because I agree completely.
Also, the road trip is a great analogy. I’ll write about it eventually and quote you. Thanks Marie.
I love this post Carlos. Maybe one of your best, ever. I’m the type of person who has no filter, so I obviously say stupid things on social media all the time that hurt people’s feelings or cause conflict.
That said, let’s not take this as an invitation to be rude online. It’s appropriate to disagree, to even be straightforward about it – to not mask and retool your words. It’s inappropriate to ridicule someone for their opinions.
Also, the rule of thumb that you shouldn’t say something online that you wouldn’t say in person doesn’t work for everyone. It doesn’t work for me at least. Because I will say anything in person, if I strongly believe in it.
Thanks Monica, I’m flattered. I don’t think it’s ok to be rude online either, I would never do that. Calling out people is not what I do.
I’m not saying that we don’t say things in person, but it does happen less. Conflict feels different there.
Ok, so, now that we all agree… are we going to do anything about it?
That’s the only important thing here.
And, Carlos, you wrote this basically during our conversation, so clearly, you know I love this post.
I will, hopefully others too.
Thanks for helping me spark this
Forget pleasing everyone! If someone annoys you don’t waist time on them. They can find someone else and so can you.
Good one Justin, never thought about it that way.
People are scared of this openness that social media allows. We can pick them apart, all their flaws are exposed.
They are cowards.
Question: are cowards the majority or minority?
Brilliant. Fucking Brilliant. Seriously, best social media piece I have read.
Thanks dude, glad to hear it!
“But social media friends are not real friends. People shouldn’t feel obliged to keep that act going. People shouldn’t even give explanations. It shouldn’t be that hard”
AMEN TO THAT. I swear if I could give you a hug right now I would. Wonderful post! I need to take this to heart and be more bold. “if you don’t like it, don’t eat it”. Wonderful, just plain wonderful!
Thanks Cheila, I’m glad it resonated with you and many others, seems that I’m not that crazy after all…
I am not sure about this post. It is definitely great food for thought, but I don’t really see much of a downside to being polite to each other online.
I agree that “followers” and “friends” are not friends in the real world sense of the word, but that is okay too. I find it refreshing that everyone is friendly on Twitter, even if that means it is disguising our true feelings.
Most social media messages are very superficial snippets so disagreement and debate don’t really have a place there. No one can really explain themselves in 140 characters, so I don’t think social media is the place for meaningful discussion. It is kind of like sending a Christmas card to that distant cousin you haven’t talked to in years. That is not the place to tell them that you disagree with how they are living their lives. You just say, “Merry Christmas! Hope to see you soon.”
If someone is not productively contributing to the “conversation” in your view, than unfollow or block them. That is civilized disagreement. Just like we don’t typically argue with strangers who are throwing garbage on the street.
Arguments and discussions are reserved for people we have stronger ties to, online that would be our blogs or forums. Social media is just a mixer where everyone is trying to size up each other. The real discussions take place in smaller venues with people who have closer connections.
“If someone is not productively contributing to the “conversation” in your view, than unfollow or block them. That is civilized disagreement. Just like we don’t typically argue with strangers who are throwing garbage on the street.”
I agree with this John, and it’s exactly what I think it’s being tough to do for many people. Like I said above, this is more than disagreeing, which I think happens often in social media. This is about ignoring, cutting ties. that gets harder the more involved you are.
Also, Marie’s comment makes a great point about why all that politeness doesn’t help.
Super interesting thoughts, as always, Carlos. I’ve always thought that the “niceness” is part of the reason why I liked social media so much at first, but like you said, it’s overkill. At a certain point it becomes ingenuine and counter-productive to be rainbows and unicorns all the time. Thanks for not being afraid to post this article.
Overkill. That’s the word I was missing. Thank you.
Hello Carlos,
I was about to write a comment for you but your post inspired me for new post
Check it here: http://wp.me/py0kh-mp
Have a Successful Day!
Seriously. The nail didn’t just get hit on the head with this one. It got Powerbombed!
I really hate this idea that everybody has to be all smiles in social media, its just not real (or scalable in the long run 
). I mean. Is there some kind of portal we go through when we log into our accounts that has an unwritten ”Be nice to all or fail” rule? I don’t know.. Either way, its yet another great spark to chew on..