Happiness is the wrong goal.
If you are living your life looking for happiness, you’ll feel disappointed with the results, and here’s why:
1) There are more tangible things to look for (often not discussed in those happiness books and speeches): laughter, material possessions, sex, intellectual growth, free time, and more. These are much better symbols of happiness, joy and accomplishment than happiness itself. When we experience them, happiness becomes graspable. Those are the popular happy moments.
2) It’s hard to feel it as a whole. What usually happens is that we evaluate our life and calculate an approximate level of happiness depending on our current situation on many variables, like our jobs, relationships, achievements, and more. We define happiness as being “happy enough so far” instead of seeking sensations that are easy to describe and transmit.
3) Happiness is as imprecise and appealing as the idea of “heaven.” I’m sure that there’s some historical connection between the concept of happiness and a heavenly after-life. On a side note: writers and speakers who make money selling the promise of happiness are the priests of the XXI century.
4) If you lived most of your life happy, but you were miserable the last year, then you died miserable. Having an impact on the world and leading an exemplary, ethical life without regrets is more important than being happy, because it cannot be taken away by time and its randomness.
Here’s Betsey Stevenson on the difference between happiness and fulfillment (h/t Stephen Dodson):
There is probably more to life than even life satisfaction. I know that sounds almost oxymoronic, but perhaps we’re missing a sense of greater purpose or fulfillment.
The example I give to demonstrate the limits of happiness data is that people with children are less happy than equivalent people without children. The only explanation that I can think of is that parents are more stressed and harried so when they’re asked about happiness or life satisfaction, they’re not quite as joyous or satisfied as people without kids. But it’s hard for me to imagine that they’re all making a mistake by having children.
To sum it up, there are bigger things in life.
Ben once asked me:
If you could be plugged to a machine that made you feel happy all the time… would you do it?
After thinking hard about it, I realized that I would not.
For me, and I suspect for more people as well, a happy life is an uncomfortable life. In other words, predictability and lack of hardships means an unfulfilled and unhappy life (although this may change in the future since my life philosophy involves the benefits of a healthy body and mind). By overcoming discomfort, I grow as a person and find meaning to life.
Bottom Line: Increasing my wisdom and passing it on to future generations is a more important goal for me than happiness. Each person may have different life objectives and value hierarchies, but I’m confident than most people don’t have happiness at the top, even if they say they do when they are hurried for an answer.
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I agree to an extent. We’re kind of parsing the meaning of “happiness” and “fulfillment”. Fulfillment is a more specific word, but some could equate happiness with fulfillment.
I think to only have a very vague goal like “to be happy” is never really the way to go because it’s too vague. What people really have to figure out is what makes them truly happy/fulfilled (not just a passing glee) and find tangible steps to get there. That takes a lot of practice and will constantly change throughout one’s life.
I do agree that an uncomfortable life is a good life. Trying something hard and accomplishing (or failing) at it is a better way to life than sitting back wishing for happiness to come.
I don’t get the “to an extent” part. If some people think that happiness and fulfillment is the same, maybe all they need is a dictionary!
Fulfillment comes from making real not only happiness, but other important things in life as well. Happiness is a selfish sentiment. Your happiness has no real effect in the world, while your fulfillment usually does.
I say “to an extent” because having a goal to be happy isn’t inherently bad. I don’t think it is a “mistaken priority” as stated in your title. I just think it’s a non-specific priority.
I’ve asked several people the question “would you rather be rich or happy?” and they say “Rich. Because if I’m rich, then I’ll be happy.” (my head then bangs against the table) So, at least if someone picks happiness it’s on the right path, instead of equating other things (fame, money, status) as happiness.
A great mentor once told me that “a little bit of stress is a good thing.” Not too much, not too little, just enough to keep yourself actively engaged in life. Without some form of stress you will not grow as an individual or reach anywhere near your full potential.
A predictable life may seem appealing at first glance – given that the risk of something bad happening is reduced, however nothing good will likely happen either. How can one truly know if they are happy if there is not a period of unhappiness in which to compare it to. I suspect that like most things in life – happiness is a relative term.
Agreed on its relativity, but regardless of the definition, it’s less relevant than other goals.
Part to the problem is that people want “to be happy” or are “looking for happiness” those phrase put happiness out of reach – it’s becomes something to strive for, right there over the horizon of tomorrow.
Looking to be happy is like “Keeping up with the Joneses.” – you’re never going to be successful because by putting happiness on external factors it will always be out of reach.
Happiness is not contingent upon comfort or fulfillment. It is not achieved through things or relationships. No one can tell you how to be happy or where to find happiness because it is a state of being. and a choice we make. We either are happy or we are not. Even when things are difficult in our life, we can choose to be happy or we can choose to wallow and be miserable. And if we choose to be happy or not then we are.
“We either are happy or we are not.”
I don’t agree, there are many different levels of happiness. In fact, most people would recognize they are “pretty happy” if they have to be honest about it. But this is not the point of the post. It’s not about happiness as a possibility or not. It’s about the relevance of happiness compared to other more important goals.
That decision to choose is what makes happiness constantly relevant. If finding it is a continual quest for a person, they are always going to measuring their goals and progress of such against whether or not it will bring happiness. Once you make the decision to be or not to be happy and simply are, it no longer is a key factor in your decision making of other goals.
It is relevant. Just not as relevant as other things.
While I would agree that just accepting one’s situation and just “choosing” to be happy is a good move, I think you’re underestimating how hard that is for most people. We live in a world where you can be an get whatever you want, including 100% happiness, and most people fall for that.
I’m sort of confused by this post. You don’t look for happiness and you say that it “is as imprecise and appealing as the idea of “heaven.” But what about it is imprecise? Isn’t the very value of finding your own happiness about self-creation and individualistic values? Happiness is different to each person and to have happiness as an individual priority isn’t imprecise, it’s specific to YOU.
Furthermore, you talk about the tangible things (not happiness) such as sex, laughter, material possessions, etc. and many of those things you mention, ARE happiness to me. Tangibility is happiness. It’s not some far off ideal like heaven, it’s something you can taste, feel and share.
Maybe we see happiness as something different but happiness is a priority in my life and I think everyone else’s – we just find it differently. I also think that people don’t know what happiness is or that have false preconceived notions thinking if I get X, then I will be happy which can usually leave them feeling empty…
Thanks for this comment Grace, many thoughts here:
1) Yes, I may be wrong. That’s why I said: “I’m confident than most people don’t have happiness at the top, even if they say they do when they are hurried for an answer.” I still think that’s the case, but I’m in nobody else’s mind, of course. I don’t think I was being obtuse with my conclusion.
2) Happiness is imprecise exactly because of its individuality, and I think we both agree there. The problem is that many people struggle with it because of the challenge that is to define it. By telling each other to look for more tangible things, coming up with an individualistic definition of happiness becomes easier. In other words, going for happiness without understanding the importance, pleasure and relevancy of those other smaller things, becomes a way too difficult endeavor for many.
3) I don’t see where you disagree on the tangibility. I said: “laughter, material possessions, sex, intellectual growth, free time, and more. These ARE much better SYMBOLS OF HAPPINESS, joy and accomplishment than happiness itself. When we experience them, HAPPINESS BECOMES GRASPABLE.
4) This is not a post about finding happiness, which I think it’s do able. Happiness is important. Just not as important as other things, but that’s just me, of course.Let me ask you again: would you take the machine? If the answer is no, it’s because you realize that happiness is not the most important thing in the world. Like I said to Kyle before: “Fulfillment comes from making real not only happiness, but other important things in life as well. Happiness is a selfish sentiment. Your happiness has no real effect in the world, while your fulfillment usually does.”
I think your clarifications make more sense. Overall, it sounds like we define things differently but nonetheless, always a good debate, Carlos
2. I see what you mean in terms of happiness being imprecise because it’s different to each person. That makes sense. But I do think that happiness isn’t some BIG thing you have to obtain. Happiness are the little things, all the sum of the parts make up the whole.
3. It seems we might define happiness as something different. You’re right, it’s such a broad term (again, mentioning this in point 2). If you say you can’t be in other people’s heads, then how can you say “these ARE much better SYMBOLS OF HAPPINESS, joy and accomplishment than happiness itself.” What if those exact things are what people define as happiness (as I said I do)? So to me, happiness has always been graspable, because those symbols=happiness to me from the beginning.
4. Interesting comparison between fulfillment and happiness. To me, that’s simply a word choice. Fulfillment is happiness to me, but again like you said, we’re not in other people’s heads. Just our own.
I don’t think I’m going in circles here. Just defining terms, understanding what emotions and beliefs mean to everyone. Great post either way, Carlos. You got the gears churnin’
I do see that there’s subjectivity in the world, but an excess of deconstruction is not good either. With point 3 for example. I think that looking for those things is better than looking for happiness, especially in your case where they are the same thing, but also in other people’s case where it’s not.
In point 2, your once again giving your own definition of happiness, this is what I mean by deconstructing
I’m just sure that happiness IS a big thing for many people, and I would dare to say that you can’t say you’re 50% happy if you love your job but have a crappy social life or viceversa,it’s not that mathematical. But overall, I get your point.
My only real concern is with point 4. How can two different words mean the same? They mean different things for a reason. Stevenson explains very clearly how they are different and the importance of each.
You know me Grace, always up for some good debate.
Understand the deconstructing bit – makes sense. I’m sure we could go in circles there.
I do think that you can have happiness in different layers and parts of your life. My job makes me unhappy (little things that add up, make me unhappy there) but my social life and relationships make me happy. Whether you want to call it the glass half full or empty, there are varying levels of happiness.
Also, two words can have the same meaning, frequently which is why we have synonyms: different words with identical or very similar meanings.
Of course happiness is not a goal. It is way to broad. When somebody sets out to accomplish something, they know what that thing is. Happiness is constantly changing. What makes us happy today might not make us happy tomorrow.
However, you will feel the emotion of “happiness” if you constantly re-define what is important to you and take steps to ensure those things are priorities in your life.
I say focus on the process instead of the definition.
I say focus on the process of bigger and more influential things. Happiness may or may not come, but like I said, I don’t think it’s a priority.
Agreed…those bigger, more influential things are like principles and virtues. That fits in nicely where I talk about “what is important” to each of us.
Thanks for the thought-provoking post.
This is an interesting debate. The search, the pursuit, whatever – of happiness. However happiness is such a slick little word, packaged and marketed well enough that I know I want it, but not understood enough that I know what it entails and means.
I never try to search for happiness because this means:
1) I am not already in a state of joy.
2) I am relying on some outside influence to dictate what or how I am feeling.
Then of course there is the pressure of being ‘happy’, like being in any state other than sheer ecstasy is a social fallacy.
The amount of times I’ve been in a state of growling grumpiness have been many (to be honest I’ve enjoyed having that emotion) and the backlash that comes from being in such an ‘undesirable’ state is unbelievable.
Anyway I digress, the point I’m trying to make (and yes I do have one) is that yes I do agree if you’re looking for happiness then you will be disappointed because you are leaving your life to outside influences, however:
1) If you can start relying on yourself (rather than outside influences) and
2) If you can go with the flow of life and take every emotion (yes, even the crappy ones) and see the lesson in them and accepting them as is, then you start moving into the state of Joy..
Which one might say is the same as happiness (it isn’t) but Joy is an emotion that comes from within you and is not based on outside influences. Now this, is something that I actively try and practice because not only do i have control over it, I am totally responsible for it.
Just saying..
I’ll have to look into the word Joy a little bit more, since it’s another one of those that I’m sure every person has a different definition for.
Hey! I like using numbered lists too.
Today I watched the movies:
1. “Goodbye Solo”
-Awesome
2. “Five Easy Pieces”
-Amazing
3. “Castle In The Sky”
-Incredible
And tonight I’m going with a real cool girl to see “The Wolfman.”
It’s been a fantastic media day for me. I don’t do it all the time, but I was sick. Got to pass the time somehow.
4. Point being: I’m super happy with what’s happened today.
Happy moments exist. Happy lives…. a little bit harder.
This a great post Carlos. I’ve read it like 10 times already and agree with you. Too many people make Happiness a “goal”, a target, when in reality, I dont think you measure happiness. Reminds me of a qu0te I loved from Victor Frankl…. if you havnt read his book “Mans search for Meaning”, definitely do so.
“Don’t aim at success–the more you aim at it and make it a target, the more you are going to miss it. For success, like happiness, cannot be pursued; it must ensue, and it only does so as the unintended side-effect of one’s dedication to a cause greater than oneself or as the by-product of one’s surrender to a person other than oneself.” – Viktor Frankl, Man’s Search for Meaning
Wow dude, looks like I would have been good friends with Frankl