Some people don’t know how to be confident without coming off as arrogant.
But that’s better than trying to be humble and coming off as insecure.
Timid souls are not known for upsetting the established order. But there are many examples of arrogant ones. Kanye West is a brilliant asshole.
If you’re just trying to live a normal life, cockiness is a bad choice. You’ll just be miserable.
But if you’re shooting for the stars, go for it all the way. A powerful personality is a must, you can’t be afraid of having some critics.
Even if they’re right.
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This is an interesting look at arrogance.
I hate arrogance and inflated egos and I really try to stop myself from sounding like I have all the answers. However, maybe you are right. I probably do come across as insecure.
I will try harder to be a brilliant ……
Balance. There’s that word again. I think if you want to achieve anything, you need to reach a balance. Know your strengths, be aware of your limits. Be confident, but not too confident. Be humbled, but not insecure.
I think balance has to do with everything, actually. Personally, I think I tend to lean on the extreme humble side. Ok, I take that back. I *know* I lean on the extreme humble side — it’s insecurity, plain and simple, just as you say. But, again, that’s the extreme.
I agree that a powerful personality is important, but I don’t think I necessarily agree that complete arrogance is the way to go, even if you are shooting for those stars. That’s the other extreme.
Can a balance be reached? Can a powerful personality exist? Can you be confident and humble without tipping the scale too far in either direction and, if it does exist, can that succeed?
Love how a few short sentences provoke such interesting thought. Looking forward to thinking more about this one! Great job, Carlos!
Yeah… I’m going to have to go with Susan on this one. I think being arrogant is no better than being insecure.
If we’re going to consciously choose how we behave, then let’s choose confident and humble. Both of these stem from knowing and accepting yourself. When you do, you can be confident in what you believe, and you don’t need to force it on anyone else… which makes you humble. The Balance is quite liberating and, if I might add, a fairly successful strategy (ie: Obama – confident community organizer).
I don’t know if I agree with this completely but I’m sure that all of the richest most powerful in the world have probably done and said things that most of us would find unkosher. I do have to admit that I sometimes catch myself talking to new people, especially at work, and literally thinking in my head that I must sound like a complete asshole right now. I don’t know what it is but maybe in my attempt to be taken seriously and appear confident there is a line that is being crossed and verging on douchebaggery. I would rather be seen as a source of trust than self-interested in my quest to accomplish more. I’m sure it’ll take some practice and experience.
The problem is that people confuse arrogance with confidence. Someone might be confident, but not arrogant, but still thought of that way by someone who is insecure with themselves. You are not arrogant so long as you’re still willing to listen to others and willing to be wrong.
Society tells us we’re supposed to be self-deprecating. That it’s actually wrong of us to succeed without attributing it to luck or something, instead of just our own awesomeness.
Let’s not fall into the trap of thinking that is the right thing to do (either to expect of others or to do ourselves). You can be brilliant and know you’re brilliant and there’s nothing wrong with that.
Amen Amber. Nothing to add.
@Susan
@Lisis
Both extremes are bad. But IF YOU HAVE TO CHOOSE, arrogance will get you further in life. Not everyone can be an Obama. Balance is the perfect combination, but most people aren’t perfect.
Carlos: I can see the argument that you’re making in regards to arrogance getting you further in life. I don’t like it, don’t agree with it, I don’t believe that’s the way it should go, but I can see cases where it has been true. The example of Kanye West might be a good one. He might be a brilliant ass, but maybe an ass just the same.
So I have to ask — what purpose will your arrogance serve? Confidence is great, can take you far because that can be coupled with humility, but I’ve always equated arrogance with something more negative. I don’t think arrogance can be excused just because it can mean success. I think there are other ways.
Those are just my thoughts…though I think it may be the first time I respectfully disagree here. Mark this as one for the books
I don’t like it either.
Arrogance is a bad thing. So is stealing, and many people have gotten far (in terms of conventional success) because of it. I’m not excusing them. But the world is what it is, not what we think it should.
You have to look at yourself. There is a big difference between confidence and arrogance – at least in my mind. If you know what the hell you’re talking about and can back that up, you have all the right in the world to be confident and exude that confidence to everyone. But if you’re being arrogant, being controversial for the sake of controversy, hungry for attention – people will see right through this. You should always be confident in your abilities – but you should also ALWAYS be willing to show a little humility, admit when you don’t know something, ask questions, and LEARN. When you’re arrogant about something you know nothing about, you just come across as an asshole. And as successful as an asshole might be, I’d much rather be remembered as a confident person who wasn’t afraid to show a little humility.
Arrogance is a great way to fake confidence until you actually become confident. Sort of like a self-fulfilling prophecy coupled with positive feedback with people wanted to be around you when you appear confident (also, a lot of people can’t tell difference between arrogant and confident).
I have been trying to find support for this, but I can’t find it right now. So here is from memory: in the movie Bodyguard, Whitney Houston is shopping and asks Kevin Costner to pass her a jacket. He doesn’t. She says: “You think I’m a bitch? Everyone thinks that and when they do, you can’t help but become one.” Ha!
Quite the discussion you’ve got going here, Carlos! I agree that there is a fine line between confidence and arrogance. I think Amber and Matt make great points about the differences between the two. If you are willing to listen to what others have to say, admit when you’re wrong, and be able to back up what you say, then I wouldn’t consider you arrogant.
In my opinion, there’s also an important difference between being shy or reserved and being timid. Sometimes people express themselves and make themselves heard through ways other than being loud and outspoken. When it comes down to it, we just have to be ourselves, wherever we may fall on the personality scale, and like you said, not be afraid to have critics, even if they’re right. Great post!
I’ve often thought that anything/anyone worth talking about is going to be talked about badly at some point. I think it’s fantastic to be the subject of conversation, and the more people are talking about you, the higher the chances are that someone will disagree with you. And really, so what?
I like.
Me too.
You most definitely get more recognition “causing some waves.” Especially in a society which thrives on the sensational rather than the newsworthy (hello, Jon & Kate…) That being said, you have to be very careful in your arrogance. While it may get you in the headlines and certain segments of people enjoy you, others will be so off-put by your actions/comments/nature that they will have nothing to do with you.
The unfortunate thing with some arrogance is that there are some people who feign it but don’t have the ability to back it up. Then there are the people who are actually good and they know they are. They are the worst…
Carlos
Kudos for writing a thought-provoking post that also made me smile [akin to many readers i'm sure] thinking of all the pompous and successful people I’ve met!
My observation of hyper successful people is that they recognise the need for being a showman – so being pompous is part of the drill. The best of the lot of course know when to use their rather large and seductive megaphones, and when to assume a humble posture.
If we look at the diary of shameless self-promoters [and a book by the same name], being a bit pompous is a must-do! Its ALL about personality isn’t it!
Cheers
Anita Lobo
I think the missing quality here is assertiveness. It’s the balance between arrogance and being humble, between aggressiveness and submissive. It is the quality that Obama wears in his own character. It is being confident, but having true confidence. True confidence doesn’t need to force itself on anyone, it allows both negative and constructive criticism because it stems from self knowledge.
Here’s a more concrete example, martial arts. The oldest, wisest and most experienced martial artists are never the cockiest. They are never the most aggressive, but they are assertive. They won’t come out right and whoop your ass, but they will not have you disrespect them, belittle them, their art or values in anyway. You try to offend them and they will smile. Their confidence comes from the knowledge of their skill and how easy it is to hurt from someone. Their humbleness comes from knowing how much more they have to learn, even at the top.
I think arrogance is not the problem. When you’re in a position to go against the grain and all you have is you( and your head has both self-doubt and some hope and belief) you need to defend yourself from any additional negative thoughts. I don’t think Kanye is a brilliant asshole, I think he’s simply brilliant. He even says he isn’t arrogant just to be arrogant, but arrogant to fuel his own belief. Everyone does the same thing, you’ve got to defend yourself. You gotta fake it until you make it. I think the problem people lack is knowledge of self. People lack short-term confidence because they think short-term. Competence in any endeavor is rarely achieved in the short term. Additionally, too many people lack the perserverance to keep going at whatever they are looking to accomplish, they lack that resilience to keep at it and learn from their mistakes until they see their goals.
Take me for example, an aspiring actor. I’m confident about becoming a great actor, but in the long run. I know that the present is the trial-and-error journey and as long as I learn from my mistakes I’m on my way. With a long-term outlook anyone can have confidence. Perhaps people know they lack the perserverance and the ability to learn from their mistakes and if that’s is so than they should be afraid.
I really like the fact that you brought up Kanye West as a prime example. I admire Kanye West a lot even though at times he can be very rude. He is not afraid to say what is on his mind and as result (esp if you listen to his lyrics) you will realize that this guy is a genius! Even though he is very cocky, he can definitely back up almost everything that he says. I don’t think people realize that he has worked very hard to get where he is today (in addition to his life was almost taken in an accident)…. so in a way I think he has every right to be cocky.
I also like how you broke down the benefits of being cocky versus being humble. I struggle with that a lot. I am very self conscious of coming off as being cocky … but I never thought of being humble as a sign of insecurity. From now on I will work more on my cocky side! Thanks!!