After this post some people told me that I should call out those people that I disagree with. Here’s why I won’t do it:
- There’s a fine but very visible line between disagreeing and calling out.
- People don’t like to hear the truth. The odds that my calling out will spark honest self-criticism instead of a defensive stance are very low. Letting them be is a more time-efficient decision.
- Most criticism is incomplete. I can’t know what that person’s abilities, reasons, limits and values are. I may be wrong, and I would be hurting us both in the process.
- I believe in long term success. Those who are doing things wrong will eventually stagnate. Those who are doing things right will thrive.
- It underestimates the reader. People are smart enough to know who you’re talking about, or at least to take the advice and be aware from that point on. I don’t care about that person doing something wrong. I care about everyone else following that person. It’s not about changing behaviors, it’s about opening eyes. If no one follows, that person will be forced to stop or be ignored.
- Drama sells but doesn’t help.
It comes down to questioning its effectiveness. It may feel cool to do it, and it may help with popularity, but does it work?
Integrity beats traffic for me.
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
I tend to agree here. In most cases it’s actually very difficult to make people see they are doing something ineffectively or really just the wrong way. If they come to that conclusion themselves, they’ll have the journey there as a lesson that will help them remember and force them to change (remember your own journey? I do!), but if an outside force tries to pick them up and put them down on the other side, they won’t have any idea how they got there and will be afraid of the unfamiliar territory (and very likely will try to find their way back to the other side as quickly as possible).
Absolutely man, that’s what we were talking about the other day. Let them see for themselves. Or let them fail, it’s their choice, really…
Eh. Or maybe you’re just afraid of conflict. I used to call out Ryan H and Ryan P of BC constantly. Now I’ve been dating Ryan H for more than a year and Ryan P and I are friends. Disagreement or calling people out isn’t about the loss of integrity, but sparking debate and dialogue. Which can all be done respectfully and is something we all need to do more. Otherwise, you just start talking about people behind their backs. That’s worse.
Ugh, I knew this comment was coming at some point…
No, I’m not afraid of conflict. I enjoy debate and disagreeing. But calling people out or disagreeing for the sake of traffic and readership (which happens in most cases) IS about the loss of integrity. Maybe not for others, but I KNOW deep inside why I’m writing certain things, we all do.
Here’s the problem with society: we believe that things that are supposed to work, work. Calling people out may be very “courageous”, ballsy and brave. But it doesn’t work. People get defensive. I don’t care about them not liking me or yelling at me. I care about results. And calling out rarely brings any.
Another problem: we are trained to reply every time. We are pretty good at it. No matter what we talk about, we can always find a way to support or bring down a certain point.
There’s a reason wise people prefer to shut up. Because they realize that most discussions about what others are or do, are pointless. They don’t lead anywhere. If anything, they strengthen the previous positions.
Last thing: that whole idea of talking behind people’s backs as a bad thing, is clearly misunderstood. One thing is to pretend to be friends with someone and then trash him. Other thing is to have an opinion about someone but not go around telling them in their faces. Besides, really, I don’t care and probably wouldn’t listen to what most people would say about me. Talking about someone’s back is bad only if it’s personal, about someone’s character. But if I don’t like someone’s blog, to hell with that, let them do whatever they want…
Rant over.
“But calling people out or disagreeing for the sake of traffic and readership”.
You’re assuming all “calling out” is for the sake of traffic. It’s not. I call people out every once in awhile to put an end to bullshit and for the sake of others. If someone is blatantly spewing incorrect information that will hurt someone’s business or detract from what they are doing, it can’t hurt to offer your opinion for them to consider.
Everybody responds differently to being called out, but part of it has to do with the way you call someone out. You don’t have to be an ass, offensive, and trying to stir up controversy. You can simply offer your opinion in a healthy discussion.
I’m siding with Rebecca here, sounds like you might simply be opposed to confrontation. Nothing wrong with that, plenty of folks are.
Very good points Tim, But you’re still not giving me reasons to believe that calling out is EFFECTIVE.
This has nothing to do with confrontation. This is about understanding the human mind.
Rebecca & Tim – you’re right calling someone out is often necessary to put an end to bullshit but what if someone’s not really bullshitting or doing anything malicious in the first place.
There are alot of people out there who have blogs that I can’t relate to at all and often what they talk about is just pretty much nonsense, yet they have tons of followers. They’re not doing anything wrong and other people like them. Nothing wrong with that, it’s just not my cup of tea. That doesn’t mean I should be a complete douche bag and call them out on my blog, on their own, or on anyone else’s. That simply means I should take them off my RSS feed and unfollow on twitter and get on with life.
If someone is actually being offensive, malicious, or untruthful then by all means call them out. But there’s a big difference between being disagreeable and being wrong.
There’s a pretty important, though perhaps subtle, difference that you touched between calling people out and disagreeing. I may not have been following you for long, but from what I’ve read so far, and what Colin has told me, it certainly doesn’t sound like confrontation is a problem. You just choose to disagree. You say what you think, you back it up, and you let it speak for itself.
Calling people out does throw people on the defense, which blocks any change or progress from being made. Particularly calling people out in public. Particularly bloggers. We’ve spent time and energy creating and maintaining a public profile, developing a community that trusts us and expects certain things from us; there’s an element of pride in that. That should be respected, regardless of whether or not you disagree or think someone is going about something the “wrong” way.
Send them an email. Let them know you disagree. Confront them one on one. Calling them out on your blog is just passive aggressive.
Also (because this comment isn’t nearly long enough), readers aren’t dumb. When something isn’t working, they know. They can see it. The turnaround on something that isn’t working will be that much more powerful for it having been instigated behind the scenes and brought to fruition in front of everyone, allowing the community to grow with the blogger, rather than watch the blogger be ripped a new one and struggle to save face.
That’s all.
Thank you Kristin (and Colin!), looks like knowing me in person shows some proof that I’m not afraid of confrontation. I just question its effectiveness (something Colin and I talked about a lot).
This is great: “Calling people out does throw people on the defense, which blocks any change or progress from being made. Particularly calling people out in public. Particularly bloggers. We’ve spent time and energy creating and maintaining a public profile, developing a community that trusts us and expects certain things from us; there’s an element of pride in that.”
Will consider the one-on-one calling out, I didn’t think of that, thank you.
Ah, again we come to the comment argument of semantics. “There’s a fine but very visible line between disagreeing and calling out.”
If I’m understanding correctly Carlos, you are saying that you are willing to do pretty much exactly what other people are saying. If you disagree or want to engage in USEFUL discussion you will do that.
If you are going to write about people’s shortcomings as a means to bring traffic to your site or to tease/demoralize/etc them in a public forum, then what is the point? There’s nothing constructive about blasting someone online with no plans for futher dialogue. Only thing it really does is leave outsiders to view the blaster as kind of an ass.
I tend to agree with Kristin…if you have a problem with someone, call them on it. But do it on a one-on-one basis. If there are miscommunications, incorrect assumptions or other things that sometimes get lost in an online forum they will be much easier to address in a private conversation than an online blast. People always deserve the right to explain and redeem themselves before publicly assaulting them.
Even if people won’t admit it, it’s the same courtesy most of us would want extended if we were on the offending side of the coin.
Courtesy is nice, but not my main concern. I think you and Kristin make a good point when it comes to its effectiveness though. We are more open to criticism in private.
“If I’m understanding correctly Carlos, you are saying that you are willing to do pretty much exactly what other people are saying. If you disagree or want to engage in USEFUL discussion you will do that.”
Not sure I understood what you meant there.
Edwin Friedman (the guy I suggested you read because you two have really similar worldviews) says that the only time people are open to advice/change is when they’re moving towards you and your idea. He says we waste tons of time and energy trying to get people to agree with us or see things our way rather than just focusing on doing what we have to do. In my opinion, calling people out for not blogging/branding/social media-izing in the way you see proper is a waste of energy.
With that said, the only reason I could see for calling anyone out is if you wanted to open up a discussion about personal branding and how it may/may not have put us in mini-prisons and showcasing particular bloggers as examples. Your genius was in the ability to start that conversation without putting anyone on the chopping block. Way to go.
Thank you Marie, Im glad you see it that way. I will have to look into this Friedman guy! Forcing people to change certainly is a waste of energy.
Does it help people? Only a select few who are able to withstand and learn from criticism. Is it fun? Sure.
Is it right to be a watchdog? Sure, but it’s pointless use of energy most of the time.
I’m guilty of it too.
Yes. To everything.
You’re so moral it drives me nuts. Love your point about how criticism is incomplete. You are a genuine believer in people and I love that. Great article and really insightful ideas.
I admit that everyday I question my faith more and more…
Thank you Sarah.
When I saw that comment on the last post, I secretly hoped you wouldn’t actually call someone out on your blog just for the sake of doing it. Like you said, “Drama sells but it doesn’t help.”
Thank you for staying true to your integrity, and remaining helpful, effective and productive.
(And I think rikin’s comment above is great!)
Thank you for the words Lisis. If we lose sight of our core values, we have nothing.
Rikin is a very smart guy, I suggest you to connect with him.
Wow, I don’t have any idea what happened (and I kind of feel like I should since I’ve grown to know you a bit Carlos). But you’re obviously passionate about this subject, you’re true to your integrity, which is awesome! Sounds like I’ve been in a very similar situation, and it’s definitely no fun when something goes wrong like that—you don’t want to pretend like everything is just fine, but you also can’t totally clarify what happened for others without feeling like you’re attacking some other person. Anyways man, I wish you all the best and know you’ll pull through just fine because you’re doing things the Carlos way!
You either know me well, or you understand people well. This comment is dead on.